We should just get Reason Number Two I'm a bad teacher out of the way. I just might like baseball more than I like my students. For instance, instead of working on the yearbook, I am watching the Home Run Derby and, as of now, blogging. Which is really the best use of my time. To be fair, it is not entirely my fault. The website I use to make yearbook edits does not like my computer, or (perhaps) my internet connection, or (probably) some combination of the two. So, without further ado, here's an impromptu Home Run Derby 2009 Running Diary!
We join the action as Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer and Carlos Pena, all tied with something like 5 HRs, enter into a swing off to see who goes to the semifinals. Our groan-inducing hosts are Chris Berman, Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips.
8:53: Albert Pujols wins the "swing off" or whatever the hell they're calling it to advance to the semifinals. Joe Morgan is really excited about the new high leg kick Pujols featured during his last at bat.
8:57: David Wright looks way to excited to be advertising for that movie about the gerbils with guns. Actually, he looks a little bit like a gerbil. What makes it even better is that Tracy Jordan recorded a bunch of little gerbil-esque phrases for them to use during the HR derby.
9:03: Pujols has to hit at least 6 HRs to stay alive. Joe Morgan continues to gush over the high leg kick, bringing up guys no one under the age of 120 remembers as comparisons. That's one of them (Mel Ott) in the picture, by the way.
9:07: So, Pujols hits the gold ball 432 feet, adding to the amount of money State Farm will donate to the Boys and Girls Club. It's at $352,000 at this point. So, basically, if Pujols doesn't hit a home run, some poor kids have to keep playing baseball with a rock and a rusty tire iron? I feel good about this.
9:09: Steve Phillips tells us that Pujols has the entire city of St. Louis on his shoulders tonight. Things must be getting pretty bad in Missourah. If Pujols doesn't win tonight, does St. Louis sink into the Mississippi River or something? I feel like we need to know this sort of thing.
9:20: Ryan Howard whacks 8 in Round Two to give him a total of 15. He's got the lead right now, but Nelson Cruz and Prince Fielder still have to hit. Each of them has 11 HRs.
9:23: Never have the words "Dylan McDermott" and "dangerous" been uttered in the same sentence before. Until now. Thank you, Jerry Bruckheimer, for bringing them all together.
9:26: Nelson Cruz is up, and continues to hit the ball harder and farther than anyone else tonight. He is routinely hitting balls into the third deck at this point. Even more interesting, ESPN has decided that people cannot see baseballs when they are hit. They've got this green/yellow tail that shows up when the ball is hit a certain distance in the air. Apparently they've forgotten about the tragedy of the "NHL on Fox." I mean, does baseball really need a glow puck? If I can't see a baseball on my HD TV, not only do I need eye surgery or a seeing eye dog, I probably won't be watching the Home Run Derby. Nobody who doesn't like baseball already is going to flick on the derby and say, "Hey, you know what? I'd watch this if the ball looked more like a green spermatozoa."
9:34: Chris Berman dusts off his tired "BACK BACK BACK BACK" call for an underwhelming Prince Fielder home run. You could tell his heart wasn't in it. Earlier, he gave Nelson Cruz the nickname "Cruz-in' Around the World." ESPN really needs to put Boomer out to stud. Can I sign a petition for this or something?
9:36: Fielder's in a groove. He just launched one 504 feet. Wow. I don't know how he doesn't dislocate his shoulder on every swing. Despite how long Cruz's home runs have looked, apparently Fielder has the top 4 distances in the derby.
9:39: I remember watching Prince Fielder come out for batting practice when his dad was with the Tigers. Prince could hit the ball a long, long way, and he was only something like 10 at the time. He looked just like Cecil, only younger. Prince's son (named Jaden, of all things) is roaming along the first base line today. He looks nothing like the other Fielders, from his bouncy fro to his complete lack of a home run gut (a lot like a beer gut, only made of apple pie and lemonade and Bing Crosby songs). Something tells me he won't be playing an overweight first base for the Baltimore Orioles in 16 years.
9:42: Erin Andrews interviews Curtis Granderson. Some moments are just too perfect for words.
9:48: Nelson Cruz hits a ball that Chris Berman says "had hair on it." Apparently they forgot to shave the State Farm Gold Balls after they picked them from the gold ball trees today.
9:56: Prince Fielder has to hit all of 6 HRs to win this thing. He's got two big ones already, and only one out.
9:57: Prince hits one foul so hard for his third out he says ________________. Or, at least that's what we hear from the broadcast. Thankfully, the bleep also cuts off Joe Morgan, always a plus.
10:00: Right at 10, Fielder whacks his 6th of the final round to win it. Boys and Girls Club kids rush over to wipe his face off with towels. And someone wearing a microphone has the most awkward laugh I've ever heard. Seriously, I can't figure out a way to transcribe it. You'll have to trust me.
That's it for the first badteacher. running diary. I am a little disappointed to be quitting before the celebrity softball game. I mean, Billy Bob Thornton, a random Backstreet Boy, and Pam from The Office? And Nelly?!? What a group. I'm off to wrestle with the yearbook demons. Back tomorrow, same angst time, same angst channel.
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